i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He passed out mid-signature
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
