I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just pynch a tree in the face
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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