If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize