Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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