hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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