i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
