did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
