i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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