There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
