I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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