just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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