Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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