You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
