I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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