I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You are a genius and a whore.
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