Yo dont text me then not text me
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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