Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
