Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
