the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
