Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
