remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
