she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
