Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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