so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
