Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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