Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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