Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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