I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
FUCK WHALES
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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