I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
