I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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