So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
