I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
