I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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