I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
