....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
