Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
