That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
