My cat gives me a boner
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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