too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
