My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
