Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
