The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
