New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Someone shattered a urinal.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
