We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
