i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
