We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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