If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
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