cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
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