She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
