I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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