Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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