Betty ford says i'm here all night
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
