Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
