So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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