Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
