i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
